tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central October 15, 2014 9:23am-9:55am PDT
mccaptioning services. reseda, california. >> october 14th, 2014. from comedy central world news headquarters in new york this. is the daily show with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest is on the zach galifianakis will be joining us. the excited news can look who is here. she made it to the show. [cheers and applause] >> jon: a gentleman in the audience with his wife of 25 years. only one ticket was left.
here is my impression of him at the time. i don't know her! they're boeing here together. we saved their relationship. well, i'm just happy. but -- first it's time for a daily showy bowl a update. brought to you by arbys. arbys. a lot of things cause diarrhea. [laughing] > jon: really no reason for that. all they do is send us platters of food. they are the loveliest people in the world. let's begin in dallas where a nurse has contacted ebola from a west african patient. >> this morning this quaint dallas neighborhood is on high alert. >> jon: wait, wait. cleaning guys?
decontaminating ebola and you have cleaning guys. were bros with a hose not available? i shouldn't worry. they look like a thoroughly professional opportunity. oh, look a hair pin turn, trying to slow down! there goes the ebola all over -- [laughing] >> jon: as of now the nurse that contacted the rare disease after close contact with the only west african carrier no our country is stable and doing well. that's from her. or to put that another way. >> another case of ebola in america. >> a new case ofy bowla. >> texas healthcare worker does havey bowla. >> shocking hospital officials. >> fears of ebola. >> i'm scared again. >> the cdc doesn't know the point of contact. >> the question is how did she get it? >> how could she won tract ebola? >> jon: what is wrong with you
people? [laughing] >> jon: it was his nurse. in the ebola unit, she took care of the ebola man. [laughing] >> jon: what do you mean how did she get -- was is a zoltar wish gone a rye? did she attend a ebola tea party. did she pee in a fountain next to ebola? for god's sake. [laughing] >> jon: a six foot tall case ofy bowla so, we can't count on the news media to take a reasoned approach. surely, surely their graphic department won't let us down. >> right now 48 people are under closed watch who were exposed to duncan before he was isolated. >> jon: alright. sir, the bad news you havey bowla the good news is you have
a 30-foot penis. red. anyways the disease may possibly spread from there as the latest victim has intimate contact with others. for god's sake! my god! it's what rick santora warned us about. we sanction gay marriage and now men are giving do dogs ebola in their butts. i think they need a nine-year-old in the control room saying that looks like a penis in the butt. clearly the news anchor is having a trouble drawing the distinction of a person contracting the disease working in close contact with an ebola patient. there are experts telling us this isn't appropriate.
>> you have to be quite close and quite intense contact to catch it. >> it's hard to catch ebola and hard to spread. >> it only is passed through bodily fluids like blood. >> there are isolated cases not clusters of people. >> jon: what do you know? you're not a scientists. they are absent minded they don't know what they're doing. those guys, they say it's okay -- find me one of those guys! >> it's really not great cause of concern. >> it's not easy to transmit. [laughing] [laughing] >> jon: stetushe. now excuse me i have to go back to the flubber --
>> jon: experts are so boring. isn't there someone technically a doctor that will validate our hihysteria. >> my next guest wrote a book on hysteria a outbreak of a fictional out break of ebola in america. >> jon: that was fiction. first the weather report from the writer of sharknado. we heard from experts who say this is a dangerous but manageable situation. now the opposite of a expert. a congressman. >> we are once again asking the administration to reestablish a view point of stopping these flights to the united states, dallas, texas, is reeling from the problem. that needs to be handled where it is, in africa. >> jon: the republican from texas suggests we close africa's door and hopefully they feel better. he makes a valid heartless
point. why not stop people from africa from flying here. >> if people can't leave the country by air and they're sick. what do they do? they will go into other countries by land. they're harder to trace. contract trace. we know that's the tried and true way to stem a out break. >> jon: okay. quarantining west africa would be worst. congress is accustomed to doing that. >> i am a congressman from dallas, texas, of the united states of america. i'm here to speak for americans. >> jon: that sounds callous. [beep] y'all. [laughing] >> jon: again congressman, perhaps you were not listening. it was said that wouldn't protect americans. it would increase the raging epidemic in africa and make it harder to track them it would make it worst.
oh, my god. you know what this worst? congress man is dealing with a fear that has gone airborne. perhaps he's right are there other regions suffering from medical out breaks? >> texas has the most number of uninsured americans in the country. more than 32,000 parents opted out of at least one vaccine. >> texas refused the medicare expansion. >> flu out break in texas. >> mays he will out break in texas. >> it thousand people in texas had whooping could of. >> it's a epidemic in texas. [laughing] >> jon: thr-rt, texas, here is the deal. we can build the border fence you have always wanted. we're just going to do it a we're just going to do it a little tparlgter
mm. feel it. j.j. watt? you know there's a game on tonight right, amy? oh, i know, but it's my turn to chaperone. right, but you could do both. how? nfl mobile is now free with the more everything plan from verizon. i have verizon! download it, you can watch the game right here. come on, let's boogie! oh, helen. for the first time watch live local sunday games on nfl mobile. included with the more everything plan exclusively from verizon. tproudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaic™ and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself.
[cheers and applause] >> jon: the big story this midterm election seems to be republicans winning seats. there are a few areas where democrats look good. new york's 11th congressional district or staten island. why is it up for grabs? dominick recchia's exam pane ad sums it up well. >> count one, lying under oergt. >> count two, failing to report one million dollars in income. >> count four. >> count five. >> count 20. jon: that's right 20 federal crimes related to michael grimmm. he's charged with. it's a bit of a handicap for him. as is this accident from january
when a new york 1 reporter asked grimm about the allegations. [beep] >> jon: to be clear that's how he behaves when he knows there is a camera rolling. as if the seat wasn't recchia's for the asking he out fund raised grimm over the summer. no surprise recchia was losing to the 20 count indictment grimm. this brings us to our new segment -- wait? one clue came when recchia was getting a schumer endorsement. keep your eye on chuck schumer. watch when schumer endorses the top of his shoes.
>> when i was on the local school board i ran a student exchange program with japan for students of his district that he represents. alright with japan. i have been to israel, italy. i have been to many, many countries across this world. >> jon: foreign policy. i met a japanese exchange student. it's all good. schumer watch him do this -- oh boy. not a good idea when chuck schumer doesn't want to be on camera with you. chuck schumer he seeks out red recording lights like a sun flower growing towards the sun. [laughing] >> jon: am i on television? this is a high profile race. surely the party has briefed recchia on the issues? >> the democrat defines his possession on a massive trade agreement. known as trans pacific
partnership or tpp. his knowledge is unclear. >> what is the tpp. >> we're heading back inside. >> what exactly is the tpp? [laughing] >> jon: to his credit no point directly threatening to throw that new york 1 reporter off the balcony he does what anyone does faced with a question, do you know what you're talking about? he snuck off to google it. >> a half hour later we gave the congressman a chance to answer our question. >> the tpp -- manufacture more here in america, keep jobs in america, made in america. better for this country. >> jon: here is how bad the answer is. the restaurant rating in the window behind him changed grades. that's worst than an f. they feel sorry for you. it's too bad a certain new york 1 reporter is sabotaging the
campaign. >> when we asked recchia's comment on grimm. he offered this. >> he has not done a lot for labor. he has a 44 percentage record on labor. my record is much better than that. >> a 44 percentage record from where, what do you mean. >> when you rate in labor he has a 44 percentage record on labor. >> jon: what, no? labor, the labor place with the percents they rate you. [laughing] >> jon: no, no. if you don't mind i have to go back inside the brick thingy with the roof. [laughing] >> jon: so the democrats are blowing this. there is still the little manner of grimm's federal charges. that came up at their debate. i pw *el bet grimm won't have a very good answer for it. >> everyone is entitled to their day in court.
as a united states -- [ applause ] >> -- i will have my day in court. >> jon: [beep], the guy is up on 20 charges. where are they holding this debate the home for retired waste management supervisors and legitimate businessmen. ya, ya, you get your day in court. you show these guys, mikey. maybe the prosecutor won't show up -- [laughing] >> jon: either way i think we can agree the winner is new york 11. whatever happens between now and november one of these two gentlemen will represent you in congress. go ahead and put your bag right here. have a nice flight! traveling can feel like one big mystery. you're never quite sure what is coming your way. but when you've got an entire company who knows that the most on-time flights are nothing if we can't get your things there too.
it's no wonder more people choose delta than any other airline. rich, chewy caramel rolled up in smooth milk chocolate. all aboard. rolo. get your smooth on. the all-new mercedes-benz gla took nearly 600lbs of high- strength steel. setting industry-leading safety standards took 20,800 crash simulations. and perfecting its engine took over 1.1 million miles of extreme driving. but, this may be the most impressive number of all. introducing the all-new mercedes-benz gla. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back back our guest has a new film "birdman." >> it's a preview. nobody cares about a preview. nothing matters. >> we are getting rid of him. i don't give a [beep] >> shut up, shut up! listen to me for once. as soon as we announce he's taken over the advance preview. we can't afford to lose the preview, money. we can't afford to lose mike. it's about being respected and validated. that's what you told me. that's how you got me into this [beep]! now you're the director, get them under control, okay. >> jon: please welcome back to the program, zach galifianakis. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] >> jon: nice to see you, young man. >> thank you for having me. jon: this, this movie is such a brilliant man, the director. the performance he brings out of you. the technical achievement. it's incredible piece of work. >> good, you got my text about what to say? >> jon: yes, i'm reading that over your shoulder. >> they text it did there. jon: and you zach, you zach are amazing! >> right. jon: there we go. >> yes, it's a movie that -- you don't go to a lot of films where you leave and think about it for so long. i saw it last week. i -- it's been on my mind constantly. it's one of these --
>> jon: well, you're in it. you're one of the guys in it. is that what was -- did you think that guy looked like me? >> ya. jon: is that what stuck with you? >> ya, he looks like me. the guy in the clips. >> jon: ya. >> it is -- it is, it is hard to be in a movie and brag about it. it sounds gross to do that. it is, it is a great -- have you seen it? >> jon: i seen it at a festival in very thin oxygen. in tel telluride. i think i liked it i blacked out and then i was in a gondola with a bear. no, what is incredible is technically for the actor. the camera moves are astonishing. it really looks like as actors that couldn't of been easy. >> no. i mean -- the takes were sometimes up to ten minutes or
fifteen. if you only have 20 seconds at the en of a take and you're not a very -- not very accomplished actor or -- or. >> jon: had learned your lines. >> or know anything you're doing. when they hand you the baton i think even the sound guy heard me go, here they come, here they come. that kind of thing. it's -- it's, i'm really proud of it. it's just kind of bizarre weird movie that everybody kind of goes would you this is bizarre and weird but wow. i hope -- it comes out in one theater in the united states. only -- >> jon: this theater has only one seat. you have to wait. >> it's in tulsa. jon: you can do it in laps. when did you go to the white house to tape between two friends with the president. >> i think that was laughs
spring in the spring. ya. >> jon: was that the weirdest thing. did the president call you and say, zach, i like your show. come to my house. >> yes, that's exactly how it went down. >> jon: really? >> no. i think we talked to his people about -- >> jon: he has people? >> ya, he has two guys. [laughing] >> just two. >> marcus and chuck. [laughing] >> but so, ya, i mean we -- i chatted with his chief of staff, valerie about it. some how we, i ended up in the white house. i'm like is this happening? then, so -- before we went to interview the president i ate in the white house with his staff. the young people about eight of them. six to eight of them. >> jon: they have a cafeteria? >> there is a restaurant in the white house. >> jon: is it an ashys? arbys?
>> i did get diarrhea. [laughing] > jon: they're the noisest people. i don't know why we bring them up that way. >> they bring you food? jon: they bring us food all the time. he's the nicest person in the world. the food is, i don't know -- okay. it hasn't hurt anyone. everyone is happy to have it. we continue with this bizarre. it was only because alphabetically -- >> it was the first thing. i have no problem with arbys if they're listening. [laughing] >> jon: so, you eat with the staff. >> it's a restaurant. you don't have to pay. there are waiters and a dessert menu. on the dessert menu there is something called chocolate freedom. [laughing] >> jon: no. no, there is not. >> yes. jon: chocolate freedom. >> i say to the staff, you call
the president that, right. [laughing] right? >> they thought i would be in trouble for saying that. they said, you have to ask him that. i was like, no. it was very, very fun. >> jon: i often know where these stories are going and all that. because you figure with a comic. didn't know that was going. there. >> you didn't think? jon: didn't know that was going. there so please where it went. >> good, good. jon: funny, the movie is great. you're great in it. "birdman" out on friday. one theater, tusa. >> tulsa. >> tulsa. jon: then it's you got to stay in shape for all the costumes... what's that? you know like... ...attractive nurse ...viking princess warrior ...and foxy fullback can we go over the viking lady again? whatever you are staying fit for, start with a low fat subway sub like the tender turkey.
[bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! and this is the new ♪this is iphone 6 plus. 6. have you seen some of the new stuff the camera can do? yeah, it's unbelievable. its slo-mo is slower than ever before. ever before. its time-lapse can turn hours into seconds. into seconds. image stabilization helps keep everything smooth. so smooth. the camera on the new iphones are better than ever. sha-pow! what, what was that? that's the sound the camera makes. no, it's more like a "chik-chik." nope i think it's "sha-pow!" [camera noises]♪
in all its naked glory; that's too hot for tv, stripped of chocolate, with nothing but salty roasted peanuts on soft sweet caramel. a payday bar will get you through your day. expose yourself to payday. mimuppets: it looks so good.... animal : no flavour! kermit: when it's time to eat together... animal: sooorry. kermit: do everyone a favour, serve a drink that has real flavour. lipton fresh brewed iced tea is the natually refreshing way to enjoy your meals. it's the flavour we all savour, does any food a favour. gotta be more tea! tea-riffic liption. be more tea. muppets most wanted, on blu-ray and digital august 12th.
here it is your moment of zen. >> we don't inadvertently increase the risk to people in this country by making it hard tore respond to the needs in those count rows. making it harder for us to get assistance in. t [cheers and applause] captioning sponso captioning sponsored by comedy central (eagle caw) (cheers and applause)